Dealing With American Gods
by INMH
Summary: Subtle crossover with American Gods. Gabriel and Coyote meet up in Texas. Kali joins them. Gabriel/Kali. Warning: One rather offensive phrase in Hindi present in here, along with generally bad language.


Dealing With American Gods

Rating: PG-13/T

Genre: Humor/Drama

Summary: Subtle crossover with American Gods. Gabriel and Coyote meet up in Texas. Kali joins them. Gabriel/Kali. Warning: One rather offensive phrase in Hindi present in here, along with generally bad language.

Author's Note: GEEK FACT: I picture Coyote being played by Michael Trucco (Sam Anders from BSG, John May on V, etc). If I ever get around to posting my SPN-BSG crossover, you may understand why. Or not. My mind is a strange and not-always-wonderful thing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, which belongs to Eric Kripke. I also do not own American Gods, which belongs to Neil Gaiman and is BECOMING A SHOW ON HBO OMG OMG GEEK WITH ME PLEASE.

()()

They wanted to come there for the food, of course.

"72 oz. steak free for anyone who can eat it in an hour." Coyote snorted and set down the plastic-laminated menu, shaking his head. "Good thing you don't come here often or they'd be out of business."

Gabriel smirked and shrugged. "What can I say? No gag-reflex, a stomach physically incapable of bursting? It's compatible."

"Then why haven't you freakin' ordered it yet?" Coyote's eyes darkened and he held up a hand. "No, wait, don't tell me: We're waiting for your _girlfriend, _the Grand High Priestess of the Bitches."

Most men would be offended at such an assessment of their lover, but Gabriel just gave a grim, knowing smile. "Dare you to say that while she's around."

"No thank you. I like my spleen and intestines inside my body, where they're supposed to be. And non-charbroiled." He picked up the menu and started perusing again. Gabriel was almost certain that Coyote had directed them to this particular eatery, The Big Texan on Route 66, because of its garish, peppy, authentic exterior solely because he knew it would annoy Kali. "So where is she? Or did she not deign you worthy enough to know her location prior to this meeting?"

"You know, the only reason she hits the level of 'High and Mighty' she does when she's around you is because you deliberately piss her off." Gabriel said dryly, pulling a mozzarella cheese stick ("stix", as the menu dubbed it) off the plate in front of him and ripping off the end with his teeth. "And no, she didn't tell me exactly where she was going to be; just mentioned some business with some asshole with a technology fetish and left it at that. She looked pissed, so I didn't ask."

"She always looks pissed."

"Not always." Gabriel's eyebrows waggled, and Coyote made a face.

"Dude. Did we or did we not discuss the sexual innuendo thing while eating?"

"You brag about your sexual escapades at dinner."

"Yeah, with nice, friendly girls; not black-hearted bitches."

"Please stop calling my girlfriend a bitch."

"I'll stop calling her a bitch when she stops calling me a-" Coyote screwed his face up for a moment, thinking, (The phrase had been in Hindi, and for obvious reasons he had always avoided an excursion to India) "-Bark- Back- _Backar chodu_."

Gabriel snorted loudly and slapped a hand over his mouth.

"What? What'd she call me?" Coyote had always assumed that she was insulting him when she used certain Hindi phrases in a certain tone whilst the words were directed at him, but he had little to no idea what they'd meant (and had always forgotten to look them up later). Gabriel, of course, had in contrast to his friend spent a great deal of time in India and had a solid grasp on the language.

"No idea," Gabriel wheezed.

"You _suck_ at lying."

"Look it up yourself." The angel was almost breathless with laughter.

"_What did she call me, you ass-wipe?_"

"Nothing!"

"Then why are you _laughing_ so hard?"

"No, it's just-" Gabriel waved a hand, tried to regain his composure, failed, "-I've never heard her say something so… Wow. Something like _that_ to anyone before. You must have _really_ pissed her off."

"Did she _call me_ something, or was she telling me to _go do_ something?" Gabriel snorted again and ducked his head, slapping a hand over his eyes.

"Let's see-" He chuckled helplessly. "-It could be used as a noun _or_ an adjective. And it involves an animal you might find in a-" The archangel fell into hysterical laughter again, and Coyote decided to look it up later (he had a feeling he wasn't going to forget to do so this time).

"So what new bullshit have you been getting yourself into?" He asked flatly, arms crossed as Gabriel came out of his laughing fit.

"What would make you think I'm getting myself into trouble?"

"It's your job."

"Hobby."

"Whatever."

"Well…" Gabriel slowly rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "I _may_ have… Gotten involved in something God-related. Recently. A lot of you guys seem to be having some kind of tiff." Coyote pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Don't we always," He grumbled. "What'd you do?"

"Nothing that needs to be cleaned up."

"Good thing, because if you think I'm doing shit like that for you after El Paso-"

"I _swear_ I didn't know scorpions were indigenous to the area."

"It's _Texas_ you idiot, Austin's got a frickin' Scorpion Control Center."

"Well I don't usually frequent _Texas,_ because _Texas_ is close to _Mexico_ and _Mexico_ is home to _Mixcoatl_, who is still _pissed_ at me for the, ah-"

"…Poisonous-tarantula-in-his-headdress incident?"

"Yeah."

"God, how long ago was that? Over a thousand years?"

"One thousand, four hundred and eighty-three years. Next Wednesday."

"Guy's got a long memory."

"You know anything about this? About your fellow gods having some kind of who's-the-bigger-bitch contest going on?"

Coyote drummed his fingers on the desk. "Hm. Well, as you may remember, it's not too unusual to have a couple of individual deities having a slap-fight, but a few gods getting into one?" His frown deepened. "That's not typical. Almost alarming, in fact. Who specifically?"

"Well," Gabriel leaned back in the booth seat, crossing one leg over the other awkwardly beneath the table. "I was under the impression that more than a few are involved, but the only ones I know of by name are Gabija and Damara."

Coyote had to think about that for a minute; it had been a while since he'd heard those names. "Gabija- Baltic goddess of the hearth. Damara- the English fertility goddess?" A wry, disbelieving smirk crossed his face. "Really? They're involved in conflict? _Them?_ Kind of goes against their nature."

"And that's why I got involved." Gabriel supplied pointedly. "This guy- this _god_, apparently- He was all dolled up like a surgeon or something, and he was trying to _kill_ them. He slashed Damara pretty badly with one of those, uh- Damn, I can't remember the name, but they use them when they're taking skin from a donor. You know, one of those electric knives that are only supposed to cut a thin layer of skin off? Well, this guy was trying to cut a lot more than that."

"And he looked like a doctor?" Coyote inquired.

"And fought like a god," Gabriel confirmed. "Anyway, Damara was down and Gabija was trying to toast him, and I just distracted him a bit for her."

"And now he's crispy?"

"As a critter." Gabriel said brightly before going serious. "Gabija was freaked out, though. She started screaming and- what I assume was- swearing in another language and, for the life of me, I couldn't tell what she was saying."

"I thought you knew most languages," Coyote inquired. He was being serious; Gabriel had a surprising gift for languages.

"Well, yeah, but she was using a dialect I haven't heard since the Olmec were starting out. I tend to forget the particulars of a language when it's been 3000+ years since I've heard it. But she was pissed, and I don't know if she thought I was with the guy or he was someone I knew, but in the end I just left Damara with her and took off before I could get my ass roasted too."

"Kali would kill her," Coyote snorted, biting down on the straw in his Coke. "She's the one who reserves the right to give you a Viking's funeral without the ship, water or other rituals."

"That she does." Gabriel paused. "The guy was definitely a god, but I have yet to meet anyone who uses surgical tools to attack _another_ god. Especially a pair like Damara and Gabija that don't exactly have a history of offending others."

"Hm." Coyote took a brief slurp of Coke, which effectively drained half the glass. "I'd tell you if I heard anything on the divine grape-vine, but I haven't. Everyone usually grumbles about one thing or another, but I-"

Ironically enough: A divine presence suddenly became apparent, and both god and angel turned to face the door.

When Kali entered the restaurant, the lights flickered ominously and Coyote and Gabriel seriously considered booking it. As the latter took in Kali's appearance as she got closer, he became more concerned; it looked like she had been electrocuted. To clarify: He wasn't concerned for her physical well-being. Kali was a tough chick, and she definitely didn't look hurt; he was more concerned with her emotional state, because being attacked was the surest way to put her in a bad mood.

He's a dead man for even thinking it, never mind letting it out his mouth:

"Hey babe. Smokin' as always."

Kali stopped before their table, arms straight down by her sides and fists clenched. She was wearing a purple blouse. It was torn. He could see her bra beneath it. Coyote could as well, given the way he was staring (He didn't like her, didn't mean he didn't think she was hot). Gabriel thought about snapping at him for that (only _he_ got to leer at Kali's intentionally or unintentionally exposed cleavage, thank you very much), but thought it might be unwise to draw Kali's attention to it in her present mood.

"Gabriel," She said icily. "May I see your phone?"

Gabriel stared at her for a moment, but then nodded, wordlessly pulling the iPhone out of his jacket pocket.

Kali took it, then promptly threw it on the ground, where it cracked loudly, and proceeded to stomp on it three times, electricity crackling and metal and plastic snapping. Her two observers were both surprised and relieved when she didn't try to follow the assault up with a blaze of fire to finish the gadget off.

When she was done, the goddess slid into the booth beside Gabriel, folded her arms on the table and then put her head down on them.

Gabriel stared at the wreckage of the phone for a moment. He wasn't concerned about the damage; He could snap his fingers and repair it in a second.

"Babe?"

"What?"

"Why did you kill my phone?"

Kali turned her head slightly, and he could see one dark eye looking at him. Gabriel couldn't tell if she looked more angry or exhausted.

"I never want to see another cellular phone _again_."

"What, did one jump you in a dark alleyway?" Coyote asked dryly. Kali muttered something that sounded a lot like that earlier phrase he'd mentioned, but Coyote knew there was no point in asking her what she'd said; she wouldn't tell him.

"Something like that."

Gabriel straightened up a little, cautiously sliding an arm around her shoulders as he usually did when they sat next to each other. It was one of the few public displays of affection she tolerated from him (or anyone. Baldur had learned that the hard way).

"This have something to do with that guy with the technology fetish you mentioned earlier?"

Kali grunted softly in affirmation, but did not raise her head.

"Did he attack you?"

Now her head shot up, and she gave Gabriel a long-suffering look.

"What do _you_ think, Gabriel?" She asked in a half-snarl, shaking her head. It was only then that she seemed to notice the rip in her shirt and repaired it with a thought. "The idiot tried to kill me with cell phone."

"And?"  
>"<em>And he failed<em>."

Gabriel exchanged a look with Coyote, his eyebrows shooting up.

"Was he a god?"

Kali was rubbing her temples. She nodded. "Yes. I've never met him before, though." That kind of sentence from Coyote or Gabriel was one thing; they had always preferred to be on their own. Kali, however, was very connected with her pantheon and therefore their interactions with other pantheons as well. It certainly helped that Lakshmi and Parvati were all big on gossip (Kali pretended she wasn't be Gabriel knew she kept her ears open).

"And he tried to kill you with a phone." Coyote stroked an invisible beard on his chin. "Innnnnteresting. How?"

Kali's face was alarmingly blank. "I would rather not talk about it."

Gabriel and Coyote's eyes widened. "That's okay babe," Gabriel said, lightly patting her arm. "It's a safe room. You don't have to talk until you're ready." Kali's eyes narrowed, and she gave him a (comparatively) light slap on the back of the head.

"It's not traumatizing," She growled. "It's exhausting. And slightly humiliating. _I don't want to talk about it._" And down went the head back onto her arms.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then Coyote, infinitely cheered by Kali's lack of happiness, picked up the menu again.

"Who wants steak?"

-End


End file.
